Millionaires they may be, but money can't buy these stars good taste. Emer Mulvaney counts down her top 10 fashion disasters of 2003.

Now Trinny or Susannah I am not - nor would I ever claim to be. I feel I'm big enough to know that I would never live up to their condescending, boob feeling pass remarkable ways! Carrie Bradshaw however - eat your heart out!

As I sit here at my laptop typing away I'm overwhelmed in feeling all ‘New York '- Sex and the City style. As the breeze billows around the curtains and the leaves rustle on the path outside I almost begin to believe I'm her, until that is I realise I'm not in the city and well let's just say matters are not helped by the fact that I'm dressed in an old pair of track bottoms and a less than desirable tee-shirt.

Let the countdown begin.

Unsurprisingly straight in at number 10 is Miss ‘Beautiful' Christina Aguilera. Now the thing that annoys me is that she is extremely beautiful so why does she have to dress so tacky? She leaves sod all to the imagination and her hair is dyed black to within an inch of its life. (Nicki Clarke would be in tears!) Sack the stylist Christina or indeed get one!

Number nine; Britney Spears follows her rival for pretty much the same reasons. Now I'm not saying that I preferred her in her ponytail schoolgirl days but it was a tidier improvement on her latest outfits. Did you get a load of those leggings (black and red with lips all over them) teamed with a green off the shoulder top and trilby hat? Honestly I wouldn't take the rubbish out in them.

Telly favourite Charlie Brooks, aka Eastenders' Janine, has made it in at number eight. I cannot stress enough how cowboy boots and denim skirts and flimsy tops do not mix. She's been told.

Ozzy Osborne takes the title at number seven. He's quirky and funny and his house isn't half bad but he does surprise me with his dress sense. Black long sleeved tops and track bottoms; at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt and presumed this was his ‘at home' attire but then he went out on stage in them. Enough said.

At six is rock chick Courtney Love. Widow of legend Kurt Cobain, this woman seems never to grow tired of dressing like a bag lady and getting arrested. It's an old image and don't even get me started on the makeup.

Disappointing is number five, Donatella Versace. You would think that for a woman who continues to reap millions from her own fashion designs that she could string together something a little better suited to herself. I mean the clothes are beautiful but she must wear the star's rejects because she has often clashed with the red carpet and frankly let the side down!

At four it's loveable comedian Graham Norton. He makes me laugh until my eyes water. When I'm not laughing however I'm still wiping away the tears at the sight of those awful suits. I know they've become his trademark but the snakeskin look gives me the creeps.

Headliner Michael Jackson is at number three. Not just for the fact that he's still wearing white socks and black shoes but for his weird lifestyle. This man has more money than most of us will ever dream of but he spends it on tacky home furnishings, his ‘Never Never' land and freaky masks to hide his children behind. His bank balance may well have affected his brain.

Wacky legend Sir Elton John is at number two. His loud suits are world-renowned and have been a part of the making of his fame. He is a talented musician and a man many aspire to but Elton, that's no excuse.

And now for number one. Disappointing maybe to many of you if you haven't been watching television's latest reality TV offering. ‘Fashion House' has given us David. David ‘Whatshisface' to me and now to you. He's an upper class English chap who oozes money. None of which I can tell you he has spent on a decent outfit. David, a cross between Boy George and Dale Winton, acts as mentor to the British quarter in the Italy based programme but he seems to think that because he works in fashion he can wear feathers in his ears, weird hats and his pyjamas in the daytime and he can but he can't expect to look cool doing it! If you haven't seen it look out for it just don't get sucked in.

And finally if you feel the need to wear clothes that are clearly un-cool to the rest of us and you recognise that you need help contact me at U-mag. I'll steer you back into your trainers and have you on the road to recovery in no time.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, cool breeze, laptop and cocktail… Now all I need is my very own Mr Big! (Only joking darling…)

NB: No celebrities have been harmed (Just warned) in the writing of this article.